visited my old favorite Thai store. it is all different now. isles are crouded. the place is dingy. they don’t carry what i used to buy there and it turns out there is a new owner who has no problem making really racist comments to the asian girls looking for a particular brand of fish sauce and is a little strange with my kid so i won’t be going there again. sad. i did find the sweet chili sauce that i was looking for and the little packaged seaweed for a nice snack at another much more tidy store. i like it there. the particular brand of fish sauce was there too; so much for “those asian companies” who tend to not pay there taxes. jerk.
in the tub with my ears in the water, silence. in my room in the closet with the door locked, darkness. on a long walk in the dessert, walking for miles. just a few ways to escape. note: escape is only possible when i am alone; curtain pulled, door locked, behind a bush, only alone is safe.
i knew that something was wrong. i didn’t want to consider what it might be so i pretended that there was nothing. but after all these years of pushing thoughts and memories around hiding them behind curtains and under beds they are all mixed up and i find it really hard to tell truth from fears. last sunday i thought i should write somethings down and get these monsters out in the light. maybe the light will help make my mind clear again. since i had the thought, just the thought, i have been having the nightmares again. this happens every time i even think about figuring things out. i hate nightmares.
there is this one story that is absolutely begging to be written. i think that if i ignore the wind one more, maybe two more times, that it will be lost forever. shoot. i don’t know if it is a sweet story or a somewhat scary one but it is just there at the tip of the pen and it is yelling at me every time those big doors open and the gust of air hits the face at the local walmart.
i am thinking about incorporating some kind of page for “reviews” for places we go here. i wonder how to make it nice and concise. but maybe this is really not the place for that sort of thing. random thoughts, that is what this is. cheers.
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